Should

I’ve been thinking lately about the word “should”. It’s crossed my mind so much, even more so during the pandemic.

• I should work out more

• I should eat healthier

• I should take more walks

• I shouldn’t sleep so late

• Shoulda coulda woulda!

Anytime I’ve said those statements out loud or in my head, I immediately felt a sense of obligation and that I’m not doing enough right now. It immediately becomes a chore and sometimes a feeling of shame that I’m doing things the wrong way.

I’m working on changing how I phrase those sentences in hopes that I do the things I want to do and with that, cut myself some slack.

• I want to lessen my stress levels, so I’ll go for 1 walk each day this week and I’ll do some amount of spin 2x this week.

• I’m going to make dinner at home at least 3x this week. I’ll use up the remaining veggies in the fridge.

• Today, I’m going to turn off the screens at 10pm, and read a few pages from my book before I sleep.

Those seem like healthier, more action focused statements and I’m going to make them attainable for myself. “I should…” is just too vague for me and already puts me in a state of negative action where as “I want” or “I will” can be more specific, positive and achievable if you let it be.

What ‘should’ statements do you want to change for yourself?

The Not-So-Humble Brag

Have you ever thought about your career or life goals, but along with those thoughts come fear and doubt? The "I don't think I'm ready for that yet" or the "I don't know if I have the ability to do that". I'm pretty sure most of us have had these thoughts and doubts and have potentially pushed away or didn't seek out new challenges because of them. I’d like to share with you how in 2014, I found a way to help fight this doubt to keep pushing myself to new heights (some of you may have heard this story before so bear with me, but I thought I'd share it with all who are going through a similar challenge):

In December 2013 I had an opportunity to move to Tokyo for a 2-month time period for work. 2 months may not seem like a lot in the grand scheme of life, but for me, it was a big deal at the time. The purpose was: go and help the two employees with whatever they needed as their new office takes off the ground and teach leadership skills and processes that we use in the company.

On one of the last days of December I was approved to go and I needed to leave on January 4th, so I had a few days to pack and minimal time to panic. I was on my way. On the plane, I had a window seat (one of the biggest mistakes of my life… a 14 hour flight in the window seat while everyone else thought to bring an eye mask and fall asleep. Don't ever do that if you can avoid it). There I sat, alone and awake and all of the sudden, I began to realize what I was doing. I was going to a country for 2 months where I didn't speak the language, knew no one and was supposed to be useful to an emerging office?! That's all it took for me to have a nervous breakdown right there in my lonely window seat. Tears began to stream down my face and all I kept saying to myself was "What have I done? Why did I say yes to this? Why couldn't I just stay home and be normal?" During these types of breakdowns, I normally turn to my mom, husband or best friends and they always reassure me that "everything will be ok!” They remind me of my talent and that I am smart and can accomplish anything. Those words go a long way and always provide me with the comfort I need in the moment. But they weren't on this flight and I had about 13 hours to go before I could even attempt to speak to them.

After crying for quite some time (on and off), I had a realization. I don't have anyone here to help build me up and give me the courage I need during my state of doubt. But why do I always need someone to do that? What about me? Shouldn't I be able to do it for myself? The answer was yes. I should be able to do it for myself because right now, I only have me.

Not wanting to be in a state of doubt any longer and determined to make myself feel better, I took out my phone and went to my notepad to create what I like to now call my "not-so-humble brag list". I thought about anything that had scared me at one point and then the accomplishment that came along with it. Anything that I was proud of, I bragged about in this list (Ex: I quit my Accounting job, went to culinary school where I got straight As and an internship at Disney World and actually crushed the different stations I had to learn - all of these things initially terrified me). These accomplishments ranged from small to large and I didn't hold back because I knew no one would see this list and it was all for me. As I continued to make the list, something amazing happened. I started to remember so many of my past wins and realized that everything that ever scared me at some point, didn't scare me anymore and getting through it actually wasn't even that bad (and most of the time, very fun). This gave me courage. I knew that anything I really put my heart and soul into would turn out to be a win for me. It doesn't mean I'd be perfect at it, but I'd definitely be better for it.

This process helped me not to need others to build me up, but required me to actually believe in myself and remind myself of my courage so I can quiet the doubt. If that seems small to you, think again because it has been immensely huge for me and such a positive change for my life. Anytime I accomplish something new, I come back to my list and add to it. Anytime I find myself facing a new path/challenge/opportunity, I find myself going back to my list and re-reading it from the beginning and I'm reminded of what I've done and what I'm capable of.

We are all a work in progress and will forever be. My not-so-humble brag list allowed me to celebrate all the work that I've done in the meantime and remind myself that I have already come a long way. It's easy to depend on others to help us when we are in need and while at times that is of course okay, we should require ourselves to fill that role as much as we can.

What's something you'd include in your not-so-humble brag list?

Self-Talk: Navigating Our Inner Voice

I’ve done a lot of thinking about self-talk, especially lately. First off, what is it? You know that inner voice that always has something to say? Sometimes positive, sometimes negative, but in my mind, usually never quiet. Well, that’s self-talk. It’s what we say to ourselves, whether out loud or in our heads.

The reason I’ve been thinking about it so much lately is because it’s a big part of my life. I’ve realized that my actions are a result of what that voice inside me is saying. That can be dangerous if our self-talk is primarily negative or allows for behavior that we don’t want to represent us. Instead, how can we harness this inner voice and use it to help us grow and be the best version of ourselves? I’ve highlighted 3 steps that have helped me:

1. Reflect on your inner voice: In order to better navigate your self-talk to a productive place, first, you need to be aware of what you’re saying to yourself, when, and why. Before a big presentation or something that makes you nervous, what is going on in your mind? Are you telling yourself that you will crush it, or are you saying that you’re not going to be good and everyone will hate it? Once you identify the themes of your self-talk, you’ll be better prepared to understand it and use it to your advantage. If you notice that your self-talk tends to focus on the negative or potential failures, ask yourself: why? Our different backgrounds and experiences in life shape a lot of our actions, so to understand the why will be important for your on-going growth.

2. Start to shift the dialogue: Once we know when our good and bad self-talk takes place, let’s do something about it. Let’s focus on improving both. How can we improve our already positive inner voice? Most of the time, I like to tell myself, “I’ll be amazing in this facilitation, today! I’m going to crush it”. While it sounds good, it’s not really specific. Make that positive self-talk more specific and include outcomes to really push this one step further. “I’m going to use my story-telling to really bring out examples and hook the audience. I’ve been known to tell some great stories and the imagery will stick with the audience and allow them to take away lessons from the training”. Now, let’s focus on the trickier piece, the negative self-talk. This requires more work because it needs us to shift our habits, and we all know that can be difficult. Start with small steps. Friday night, I came back from Dublin and was pretty exhausted by the time I got home. I hadn’t gone to the gym in quite some time because of an ankle injury, but have been wanting to go back (age-old struggle). As I was about to fall asleep, I said to myself, “It’s okay if I sleep in and don’t go to the gym, tomorrow, but it’d be nice if I went”. I caught myself! What? With that type of talk, I know for a fact I’m not going anywhere tomorrow morning because I already gave myself an excuse. In that moment, I forced my inner-voice to change the tone. I said to myself “No. Tomorrow morning, I’ll wake up, wear my gym clothes, and drive over to the gym. I’ll work out for at least 30 minutes (baby steps) and then grab breakfast after. I’m going to feel so great once I get back!” Now this might seem small, but let me tell you! After not going to the gym since November, I went that next morning and was SO proud of myself!

   If negative self-talk is a habit of yours, don’t be ashamed. This happens to all of us. A tip to start making positive self-talk more of a habit is to list off 3 positive things about yourself or something you’re doing each day (make sure to really brag because no one is listening except for yourself). Remember - no one will force you to do this and in the craziness of life, it will be hard, but it’s worth it.

3. Celebrate & keep it going: Once you have a small success, celebrate it. A quick, “I said this to myself yesterday and saw this result” will do. Once that inner voice helps you, my hope is that you feel the difference and it allows you to do more of it. When I’m about to try something I’m scared of, I can make it worse by adding all of my, “what ifs?” or I can quiet that fear up a bit with my “I’ve done [x] before, which makes me qualified to do this”.

If our inner voices helped pushed us to be better and to do more, what could we be capable of? I dare you to give it a go!